I’m about to commence my 2nd week back at work and I’m exhausted…. The laundry was behind until the weekend (thanks, Mother of Hairy!), the kitchen is a mess and I’ve lost all motivation for cooking dinner. I’m sure my mojo will come back… just in time for our 3 week New Year break, where I will lose all care for things like schedules and plans. Well, not all care – I think I’d melt if I didn’t have some sort of schedule.
But I tell you what, after 8 weeks of not really having to be out of bed until 8am most mornings, a 5.30am alarm 5 days in a row is just plain RUDE!
My hiatus from the working world was not voluntary (even though the words ‘voluntary redundancy’ were used in my termination). I was a victim of Can-Do Campbell’s grand plan for the Queensland State Government overhaul. I was a casualty who did not walk away with over $100,000 in my bank account. I was discarded, thrown on the rubbish heap, and left out for passers-by to collect – it took 8 weeks for someone to pick me up.
I’m not going to rehash the moment – but I will say it was the most stressful 6 weeks I think I’ve ever experienced. I was emotional, I was angry and, at some points, I was irrational. Thankfully Hairy is a fairly calm sort of bloke and was able to get me to focus on the bigger picture every once in a while.
It wasn’t just the loss of my job and income that had me spiraling. It was the fear of the unknown. It was the self-doubt that I could do anything else. It was the lack of confidence to learn something new. And most of all, it was the potential loss of having another Stinkbum in the house.
We had a plan, you see. I was in a secure job, with great maternity leave benefits, and great flexibility on return to work. We had a miracle child who was due to start Prep in 2014. We may have difficulty getting pregnant. We were going to start trying when Snotface turned 4 (for many reasons, most of them financial). Then we reconsidered the plan around about Easter time and decided September might be a good time for a trip to the GP to get the ball rolling….. Then I lost my job and the whole plan came toppling down on me. I couldn’t talk about this impact for weeks – this Government decision had possibly robbed me of another child……
I’m not getting any younger, and I’m already close to the magical biological age of 35 when EVERYTHING about pregnancy becomes scarier. But I just have to wait….until I can hopefully pick up a permanent job….until I can crunch the numbers and make them work….
I just have to wait……